OK reader, I know you’ve been wondering where the hell I’ve been and at some point in the near future I’ll get back to regular writing. The urge is growing (poor you). While I can’t reveal all the details of my recent activities I can say that it involves some of the following:
- Brokering a lasting peace in the Middle East
- Developing a new sustainable energy resource based on recycling reality TV shows
- Coaching Steph Curry (I taught him how to walk around with a mouthguard hanging out)
- Altering my pants so my ass doesn’t look too big
I’ll fill you in on all of these things later. But like all of us I’ve been watching the election to date and after careful analyses I think I might be leaning towards supporting Trump. I’m not ready to commit because while I think he’s on to something, his ideas don’t really see fully formed yet. So I want to offer the following advice. If he adopts what I’m saying I’m pretty sure he’s got my vote.
What Trump Almost Has Right or Almost Right
Trump’s major proposal involves the banning of Muslim terrorists and Mexican rapists from entering our country. Additionally, as you know he wants to build a wall between us and our drug dealing amigos to the south.
I’m pretty sure his insistence on building a wall between our countries goes back many years to when he was a young child. Some people say (I’ve received thousands of emails about this) that as a young child he would throw tantrums and throw his silverware around if the different foods on his plate were touching. He would fly into a rage if the peas were touching the potatoes or the delicious salisbury steak touched the apple betty on his Swanson TV dinners. Because he came from a wealthy family he was able to have special plates constructed (or stolen from airlines) with higher barriers than the typical TV dinner and these ensured that no food would be ruined because it touched other foods. I’m fairly sure this is the root of his call for building wall between our countries. Because I’m a scientist I’ve been experimenting with this idea. Last night I cooked dinner and on one side of my plate I had an enchilada and some frijoles. On the other side of my plate I put a corn dog. Then using a bunch of tortilla chips I was able to make a nice wall to separate them. You know what? The food actually did taste better this way. Given this scientific proof, I think the wall between our countries is something I can support.
But where I think Trump is askew is on his policy of banning Muslim terrorists and Mexican rapists and drug dealers. He’s definitely on to something because I think we all agree that immigrants to the United States should have high moral standards and look beautiful, or if they don’t look beautiful they should be willing to work really hard for hardly any money.
But the policy he’s proposing needs to be amended. I don’t think he’s seeing something that to me is fairly obvious. Looking just a shade deeper we can see that what drug dealers, rapists, and terrorists all have in common is that they are men! It’s terribly sad to admit this but I think the problem is guys. So I’m proposing that Trump slightly shift his idea and propose a ban on all men from entering the country. This proposal would be more logical and still keep out the nastiest most dangerous folks from our country while welcoming those who truly deserve to be here. Additionally, it would eliminate any discussion that Trump is a racist or a misogynist.
So I want to put out there that if Trump is willing to make this change, he’s got my vote.