Like a lot of you I was heartened to hear that our new President took decisive action and has opened the way once again to the construction of the XL pipeline. This is the pipeline halted by President Obama that was designed to carry oil from our unwalled northern neighbor (Oh, Canada!) right through our national midsection down to the crescent city where it could be dumped onto boats or the Caribbean, whichever was more convenient. However I know the real reason our president has approved this pipeline… and it has nothing to do with oil.
Once again his decision is rooted in his childhood eating habits (read disorder). Biographers of Trump have noted that not only did he have a compulsive need to keep his foods separate on his plate (creating a wall between each serving) but with Asperger’s like precision his diet as a child was self-limited only to pumpkin and pancakes. Now comes the perfect opportunity for him to fulfill that unmet childhood need by approving a pipeline to carry Canada’s most precious natural resource straight to the American heartland. But what I have sussed out from speaking to those closest to the president (yes, I have contacts in the Secret Service, the FBI, the CIA, the MI-6, and at Legoland) is that he has no intention to send oil through that pipeline. As noted above the raison d’être for this pipeline has nothing to do with creating jobs, energy independence or even world finance. This pipeline will be used to ship Canada’s overabundance of Maple Syrup straight to America, keeping our pancakes fluffy, tasty and moist. For those who say, WTF?, I can respond only that you should check out the going price for gasoline which is about $2.75 per gallon and compare it to the price for a gallon of Maple Syrup, which is currently about $88 per gallon at Vitacost.com. Of course this is organic maple syrup or as we pipeline folks like to call it, Sticky Sweet Light Crude (ironically this was Trump’s nickname in high school).
You probably think I’m jumping on the fake news bandwagon by giving out this information, but I think I have the proof. Trump is so dedicated to this that at one point he actually married a woman named after this pancake accompaniment.
Finally, I want to say to those who still are opposed to this pipeline (or omelette eaters as we like to call them) that you need no longer fear the consequences of a pipeline spill. In the event of break in the new pipeline and a gusher of syrup we need only send in a fleet of cargo airplanes and drop millions of pancakes and waffles over the area. This should prevent any permanent damage in the area, although it may cause the local wildlife to die from gorging. Alternatively all the new homeless folks can drop by for a free meal.
That’s why I think we should all get behind this newly approved pipeline.