The holidays have passed and, as I suspected, with the glow of the Little Baby Jesus gone, everyone down at the yoga studio is walking around with a case of self-induced shame, performing mental self-flagellation for their indulgences in eating and drinking for the last couple of months. As a result of this I keep running into people who are now in the process of “De-Toxing.” Silly mortals. They seem to miss the point that there is a reason God gave us these toxins.
Personally, I can’t say that I kept to my usually strict vegan diet, though I did try to cut back on my animal product consumption by eating as much sugar, carbohydrates, and gluten as possible. And how do I feel? Well, like a million bucks. That is to say, I’ve experienced some personal inflation.
That said, as a compassionate, sympathetic, and moderately trendy person I took it on myself to find out what de-toxing was about. My God is there a lot of information out there. Most of the de-tox plans involve the ingestion of various fruits, elixirs, and powdered substances mixed into fermented teas. It seems you’ve got to put a lot of weird stuff into yourself in order to get something out.
I’ve got to say that after doing a lot of research I was shocked to learn that one of the most discussed ideas among the de-toxers was the administration, by self or others, of Coffee Enemas. I cannot emphasize enough how much this baffled me. I can only wonder, Are all these folks worried that maybe it’s not brown enough up there?
Granted I am not a physiologist or medical doctor or a shaman but I thought all of us were clear about where the food goes in and where it comes out. I can’t help but feel that if you can’t keep this simple fact straight we’re all pretty much doomed. Let’s be clear about this. A coffee enema is not something you can order at Starbucks, not in a tall, a venti, or a grande. I know this because I went down there and I tried to order a butticino, or whatever they call it in faux Italian, and the closest they could come was to offer me a morning bun. Then they told me to get the hell out. My hunch is that this trend is merely the adult version of kids sticking peas up their nose.
Another de-toxing tool frequently mentioned is using pro-biotics. I don’t know what these are. So people drink bottles of Kombucha. This is the only food out there that’s named after a small Southeast Asian country. Apparently the people of Kombucha have really great intestines. Unfortunately there are no Olympic sporting events that involve the intestines so these people are frequently not given the respect they deserve. It seems the whole economy of Kombucha is based on the export of these tiny microbe builders.
Up until now I had been firmly in the anti-biotics camp but I switched after I watched the presidential debates. It turns out all the Republicans are anti-biotics and want to restrict their entry into the country and into our intestinal tracts while the Democrats are pro-biotics and believe that more biotics will help our nation’s flora flourish. I believe that somewhere in the Obamacare legislation there is a clause about the government promotion of Kombucha and other pro-biotics.
The New 21-Day Re-Tox Program
As you’ve probably figured out by now this de-toxing is too much for me to figure out. It just doesn’t sound that healthy to me. So that’s why I’m promoting a new program I’ve devised that in 21 days will ensure a significant degree of happiness. By increasing the amount of good toxins in your body using a variety of organic Nabisco-like snacks you are ensured of feeling better than most of the people who are on the bus with you.
This patented 21-day Re-tox program will also:
- Deactivate your toxins unless you want them more active.
- Increase the destruction and inhibit the growth of bacteria unless you are friends with them or they have two references.
- Activate white blood cells.
- Deactivate your red blood cells..
- Integrate all veins and arteries so that red and white blood cells can live in harmony.
- Increase the Immunostimulation of cellular and humeral immunity,especially in the humerus bone and on the right side of the body.
- Decrease inflammatory statements.
- Increase tolerance of the body to solar flare-ups.
- Make smoking pot even more enjoyable.
- Decrease the viscosity of your blood to the equivalent of 30-weight oil.
- Provide cardiovascular protection against romantic break-ups.
- Improve microcirculation in your tiniest parts.
- Decrease platelet aggregation without a permit.
General Features of the 21-Day Re-Tox Program
Because the Re-Tox program is patented and will cost you significantly for the details I can only outline some of the basic process here. When you begin Re-Toxing you should know that:
- Psyllium seed, licorice root, yucca root, milk thistle seed, gentian root and herbs are to be avoided. If these are a daily part of your diet (god help you) you can ease off of them over a two-hour period.
- You will be instructed to avoid exercise at all costs. If you’re not watching TV begin by adding an hour a day starting on day one. Add an additional hour every day throughout the 21 day program. Be sure to pay special attention to the commercials. They contain important information about how to improve your lifestyle.
- Do not ingest too many liquids. They make you pee at inconvenient times. If you choose to have coffee be sure to ingest it with your mouth.
- In order to complete the Re-Tox program you will need to purchase a mini wood-chipper. While many De-Tox programs require you to ingest eucalyptus oil, the Re-Tox program will require that you eat the eucalyptus tree (note how healthy and cute koala bears and pandas are.)
- Stay optimistic and remind yourself of all the benefits of “toxing up.” Remember that cramping, headaches, slurred and incoherent speech are a normal part of the Re-Tox program and show that you’re making progress. As your body Re-Toxes remind yourself of all the time you’re saving by not going to the bathroom. Please be sure to make other arrangements to keep up your reading.
For more information about how to sign-up for your individualized Re-Tox program you may contact me directly.