XL Pipeline—YES! Let it Flow!

Like a lot of you I was heartened to hear that our new President took decisive action and has opened the way once again to the construction of the XL pipeline.  This is the pipeline halted by President Obama that was designed to carry oil from our unwalled northern neighbor (Oh, Canada!) right through our national midsection down to the crescent city where it could be dumped onto boats or the Caribbean, whichever was more convenient. However I know the real reason our president has approved this pipeline… and it has nothing to do with oil.

Once again his decision is rooted in his childhood eating habits (read disorder).  Biographers of Trump have noted that not only did he have a compulsive need to keep his foods separate on his plate (creating a wall between each serving) but with Asperger’s like precision his diet as a child was self-limited only to pumpkin and pancakes.   Now comes the perfect opportunity for him to fulfill that unmet childhood need by approving a pipeline to carry Canada’s most precious natural resource straight to the American heartland.  But what I have sussed out from speaking to those closest to the president (yes, I have contacts in the Secret Service, the FBI, the CIA, the MI-6, and at Legoland) is that he  has no intention to send oil through that pipeline.  As noted above the raison d’être for this pipeline has nothing to do with creating jobs, energy independence or even world finance.  This pipeline will be used to ship Canada’s overabundance of Maple Syrup straight to America, keeping our pancakes fluffy, tasty and moist.  For those who say, WTF?, I can respond only that you should check out the going price for gasoline which is about $2.75 per gallon and compare it to the price for a gallon of Maple Syrup, which is currently about $88 per gallon at Vitacost.com.  Of course this is organic maple syrup or as we pipeline folks like to call it, Sticky Sweet Light Crude (ironically this was Trump’s nickname in high school). supertroopers

You probably think I’m jumping on the fake news bandwagon by giving out this information, but I think I have the proof.  Trump is so dedicated to this that at one point he actually married a woman named after this pancake accompaniment.

Finally, I want to say to those who still are opposed to this pipeline (or omelette eaters as we like to call them) that you need no longer fear the consequences of a pipeline spill.  In the event of break in the new pipeline and a gusher of syrup we need only send in a fleet of cargo airplanes and drop millions of pancakes and waffles over the area.  This should prevent any permanent damage in the area, although it may cause the local wildlife to die from gorging.  Alternatively all the new homeless folks can drop by for a free meal.

That’s why I think we should all get behind this newly approved pipeline.

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A Simple 2-Step Plan for the Next Four Years

Following yesterday’s shit-show in Washington I’ve realized that I need to implement a new plan to deal with what’s coming down.  After checking with my various advisors (including my orthodox son-in-law) and reading Michael Moore’s advice I realized I needed another approach.  So to keep it simple here’s my plan:

  1.  Yesterday I headed over to Costco and bought enough whiskey to last for four years.  Right now there are several barrels stacked up in my den.
  2. I have moved our card table to the center of the den and I have covered it with a bedspread that reaches to the floor.  This is my fort.  For the next four years you can find me in my fort.  I will be in my pajamas and I have a long straw.  Those of you wishing to visit me can come on by.  Don’t worry I have an extra straw.

 

Note:  Before I head into my fort I’ll be in the streets today marching with the women (if I can figure out what to wear).  It probably won’t be the last time.

 

I’M HEADING TO RIO—QUALIFY FOR TWO OLYMPIC EVENTS!

The last couple of weeks have been super-busy for me. In addition to wrapping up another 200-hour yoga teacher training (let me just put the rumors to rest. I can confirm that my levitation skills and my X-ray vision are awesome and have improved immensely) I have also been engaged at various times in the 2016 Olympic Trials, trying once again to make a variety of teams. Many of you recall the bitter disappointment I felt when I was cut at the last minute from the Winter Olympics Curling Team because the “inspectors” felt if I couldn’t keep my kitchen floor swept very well I wouldn’t be able to clear the ice for the big “stone” or whatever they call that slidey thing on ice. This Olympics I was determined to make my appearance count so I have tried out for several of the sports that will be part of this Olympiad. Here’s the latest update:

Rumors to quash:

  1. Golf: In spite of the odds being in my favor I decided not to try out for golf. It turns out that the top golfers in the world are eschewing a trip to Rio because of their wussy fear of picking up some kind of disease. I don’t know why we expected more from these folks but we should remember that these “golfers” have little shame about wearing spats and plaid pants, riding around in little Disney-carts and then telling us they’re sportsmen. So even though the odds were good that I’d win a couple of medals I decided I couldn’t lower myself to wearing clothes like that.
  1. Although the host country is always allowed to select one special sport for inclusion in the Olympics that reflects their national passion, I was very disappointed to learn that waxing was not considered a sport even by the Brazilians. I think that’s a shame because although I haven’t really been in “training” I think I could be very good at this.

So What Did You Actually Try Out For?

This year I decided to focus on three sports where I thought I had a decent shot at making the team. Fortunately the trials for all of these were held here in Santa Rosa, the sports capital of America, so participating was easy. All you had to do was go down to the Vets Memorial Building a week ahead of time and sign-up for the tryouts of the sports you thought you could dominate. So I went down and got in line with the other 20,000 would-be “athletes” and waited patiently until I had a chance to show my skills and prowess. How did I do? Not bad actually. Here it is: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

  1. Basketball

I might as well get the bad news out of the way. In spite of almost making several baskets, I got nosed out at the end by LeBron. He did make more shots than I, although I was a much better defender than he is (even though he has a height advantage). I’m pretty sure I didn’t get picked because my “Tanya” move was apparently illegal, at least in their eyes. So moving around on the court was a bit problematic primarily because I’m older and slower and blinder than a lot of the people who tried out, but I’m not deterred very much. I think that in the 2020 Olympics they’re going to make H-O-R-S-E an Olympic sport and I’m pretty sure I can do better at that.

  1. Synchronized Swimming

Ever since I was a baby and saw my first Busby Berkeley movie on acid I wanted to be a synchronized swimmer.

(For those of you with less patience you can move the video up to the 3:00 minute mark but you’ll miss the amazing buildup).

I mean, let us be serious here: Is there really anything hotter, is there really a bigger turn on, than a woman wearing a tiara AND a nose plug? Sure some guys are into latex, others like shoes and boots. But for me it’s T&NP.

I knew then that if I was going to meet these royally beautiful but close-nosed ladies I’d have to get my feet wet too! And so from the age of eight I dreamed of becoming a synchronized swimmer. I even practiced in the bathtub when nobody was home. But the day came, ugly as it was, when I learned that men can’t sync. Yes, up until now men were banned from joining a synchronized swimming team. So the question was could I be the one to break what has become known as the “aqua ceiling”? …That invisible (but moist) barrier that keeps men from competing with women.

But I was undaunted. I signed up for the team and sadly I was met with resentment. I could hear my teammates whisper when they thought I was out of earshot: “Too brawny”, “Not sleek enough”, “Somehow the hair sealant doesn’t look quite right”, “He’s an “autumn” and our uniforms are definitely for “summers”, or “Who the hell invented the Speedo?”swimmersNow for the good news! After the tryout, I was gently pulled aside by the team coach and told “I wasn’t good enough” which is coded language for “you’re not good enough”. But I could see through her nervousness and when I threatened to sue, and promised to stop taking performance-enhancing drugs that kept me afloat, she relented. So, Yes. I’ll be going Rio in a week to join my teammates in the big Olympic event. I know that all the swimmers are supposed to look alike on a synchronized swim team, but see if you can pick me out!

  1. Equestrian Events

Yes, it’s true. This is the year that I was going to ride off to a gold medal in the equestrian events. My years of experience at the racetrack along with my cat-like reflexes and being the owner of the worlds only Lipizzaner Clydesdale made my win assured. I’m sure we could win the gold in all three categories, dressage, eventing, and jumping. So my steed “Bogart” and I showed our stuff over at the Vets Building and they signed us up on the spot. We were Rio bound! The only problem was I had to pay for both me and Bogart to get to Rio. Sure, I could afford a coach ticket for myself, and maybe even Bogart, but those bastards wouldn’t sell me a ticket for my Clydesdale. Apparently those airlines are allowed to discriminate against different species. So the next day I slipped on a pair of dark glasses, pulled out my white cane and went to buy a ticket to Rio explaining that Bogart was my Seeing-Eye Stallion and should be able to board with me and stay under my seat. No dice. They seemed to think I was faking it. Bastards!

Things were looking grim. It looked like we were literally going to have to hoof it down there on our own, so I packed a lunch and a bag of hay and we started trotting. After about three days I had made it to Milpitas and realized that lunch was gone and I was hungry and at this rate it would take forty-two months to trot to Rio. So we headed home.

I was beside myself (and beside Bogart too). That’s when it dawned on me that I could leave my horse behind and still compete in an equestrian event if only I could convince the judges that beside jumping, eventing, and dressage, there is a fourth category of equestrian events: Prancercize! For those not familiar with Prancercizing it is very similar to Zoomba, Tai Bow, Chi Gong, Hula Hoop and Jazzercise only instead of dancing and moving like a human, you move like an equestrian. This is basically an equestrian event without the horse! Here’s what it looks like:

So yes, I’m heading to Rio to Prancercize! I’m just going to start by crashing the dressage event. I know that when they see I’ve already perfected two never before seen Prancercize moves: The Double Appaloosa— you’ll have to see this to believe it, but it will soon become to Prancercize what the Triple Salkow is to competetive Ice Skating. And the Flicka Flop—It’s sort of like faux high-jumping like a Clydesdale and includes a full body roll.

So folks, be sure to record the whole summer Olympics in Rio and watch for me in the equestrian events and synchronized swimming. Two out of three isn’t bad. Those wishing to support my intense training and travel costs should send me a lot of money soon.

 

 

 

 

With Just a Simple Policy Tweak I Could Support Trump

OK reader,  I know you’ve been wondering where the hell I’ve been and at some point in the near future I’ll get back to regular writing. The urge is growing (poor you). While I can’t reveal all the details of my recent activities I can say that it involves some of the following:

  • Brokering a lasting peace in the Middle East
  • Developing a new sustainable energy resource based on recycling reality TV shows
  • Coaching Steph Curry (I taught him how to walk around with a mouthguard hanging out)
  • Altering my pants so my ass doesn’t look too big

I’ll fill you in on all of these things later.  But like all of us I’ve been watching the election to date and after careful analyses I think I might be leaning towards supporting Trump.  I’m not ready to commit because while I think he’s on to something, his ideas don’t really see fully formed yet.  So I want to offer the following advice.  If he adopts what I’m saying I’m pretty sure he’s got my vote.

What Trump Almost Has Right or Almost Right

Trump’s major proposal involves the banning of Muslim terrorists and Mexican rapists from entering our country.  Additionally, as you know he wants to build a wall between us and our drug dealing amigos to the south.

I’m pretty sure his insistence on building a wall between our countries goes back many years to when he was a young child.  Some people say (I’ve received thousands of emails about this) that as a young child he would throw tantrums and throw his silverware around if the different foods on his plate were touching.  He would fly into a rage if the peas were touching the potatoes or the delicious salisbury steak touched the apple betty on his Swanson TV dinners.  Because he came from a wealthy family he was able to have special plates constructed (or stolen from airlines) with higher barriers than the typical TV dinner and these ensured that no food would be ruined because it touched other foods. I’m fairly sure this is the root of his call for building wall between our countries.  Because I’m a scientist I’ve been experimenting with this idea.  Last night I cooked dinner and on one side of my plate I had an enchilada and some frijoles. On the other side of my plate I put a corn dog.  Then using a bunch of tortilla chips I was able to make a nice wall to separate them.  You know what?  The food actually did taste better this way.  Given this scientific proof, I think the wall between our countries is something I can support.

But where I think Trump is askew is on his policy of banning Muslim terrorists and Mexican rapists and drug dealers.  He’s definitely on to something because I think we all agree that immigrants to the United States should have high moral standards and look beautiful, or if they don’t look beautiful they should be willing to work really hard for hardly any money.

But the policy he’s proposing needs to be amended.  I don’t think he’s seeing something that to me is fairly obvious. Looking just a shade deeper we can see that what drug dealers, rapists, and terrorists all have in common is that they are men!  It’s terribly sad to admit this but I think the problem is guys.  So I’m proposing that Trump slightly shift his idea and propose a ban on all men from entering the country.  This proposal would be more logical and still keep out the nastiest most dangerous folks from our country while welcoming those who truly deserve to be here.  Additionally, it would eliminate any discussion that Trump is a racist or a misogynist.

So I want to put out there that if Trump is willing to make this change, he’s got my vote.

 

Sign Up Now For My New 21-Day Re-Tox Program

The holidays have passed and, as I suspected, with the glow of the Little Baby Jesus gone, everyone down at the yoga studio is walking around with a case of self-induced shame, performing mental self-flagellation for their indulgences in eating and drinking for the last couple of months. As a result of this I keep running into people who are now in the process of “De-Toxing.” Silly mortals. They seem to miss the point that there is a reason God gave us these toxins.

Personally, I can’t say that I kept to my usually strict vegan diet, though I did try to cut back on my animal product consumption by eating as much sugar, carbohydrates, and gluten as possible. And how do I feel? Well, like a million bucks. That is to say, I’ve experienced some personal inflation.

That said, as a compassionate, sympathetic, and moderately trendy person I took it on myself to find out what de-toxing was about. My God is there a lot of information out there. Most of the de-tox plans involve the ingestion of various fruits, elixirs, and powdered substances mixed into fermented teas. It seems you’ve got to put a lot of weird stuff into yourself in order to get something out.

I’ve got to say that after doing a lot of research I was shocked to learn that one of the most discussed ideas among the de-toxers was the administration, by self or others, of Coffee Enemas. I cannot emphasize enough how much this baffled me. I can only wonder, Are all these folks worried that maybe it’s not brown enough up there?

Granted I am not a physiologist or medical doctor or a shaman but I thought all of us were clear about where the food goes in and where it comes out. I can’t help but feel that if you can’t keep this simple fact straight we’re all pretty much doomed. Let’s be clear about this. A coffee enema is not something you can order at Starbucks, not in a tall, a venti, or a grande. I know this because I went down there and I tried to order a butticino, or whatever they call it in faux Italian, and the closest they could come was to offer me a morning bun. Then they told me to get the hell out. My hunch is that this trend is merely the adult version of kids sticking peas up their nose.

Another de-toxing tool frequently mentioned is using pro-biotics. I don’t know what these are. So people drink bottles of Kombucha. This is the only food out there that’s named after a small Southeast Asian country. Apparently the people of Kombucha have really great intestines. Unfortunately there are no Olympic sporting events that involve the intestines so these people are frequently not given the respect they deserve. It seems the whole economy of Kombucha is based on the export of these tiny microbe builders.

Up until now I had been firmly in the anti-biotics camp but I switched after I watched the presidential debates. It turns out all the Republicans are anti-biotics and want to restrict their entry into the country and into our intestinal tracts while the Democrats are pro-biotics and believe that more biotics will help our nation’s flora flourish. I believe that somewhere in the Obamacare legislation there is a clause about the government promotion of Kombucha and other pro-biotics.

The New 21-Day Re-Tox Program

As you’ve probably figured out by now this de-toxing is too much for me to figure out. It just doesn’t sound that healthy to me. So that’s why I’m promoting a new program I’ve devised that in 21 days will ensure a significant degree of happiness. By increasing the amount of good toxins in your body using a variety of organic Nabisco-like snacks you are ensured of feeling better than most of the people who are on the bus with you.

This patented 21-day Re-tox program will also:

  • Deactivate your toxins unless you want them more active.
  • Increase the destruction and inhibit the growth of bacteria unless you are friends with them or they have two references.
  • Activate white blood cells.
  • Deactivate your red blood cells..
  • Integrate all veins and arteries so that red and white blood cells can live in harmony.
  • Increase the Immunostimulation of cellular and humeral immunity,especially in the humerus bone and on the right side of the body.
  • Decrease inflammatory statements.
  • Increase tolerance of the body to solar flare-ups.
  • Make smoking pot even more enjoyable.
  • Decrease the viscosity of your blood to the equivalent of 30-weight oil.
  • Provide cardiovascular protection against romantic break-ups.
  • Improve microcirculation in your tiniest parts.
  • Decrease platelet aggregation without a permit.

General Features of the 21-Day Re-Tox Program

Because the Re-Tox program is patented and will cost you significantly for the details I can only outline some of the basic process here. When you begin Re-Toxing you should know that:

  • Psyllium seed, licorice root, yucca root, milk thistle seed, gentian root and herbs are to be avoided. If these are a daily part of your diet (god help you) you can ease off of them over a two-hour period.
  • You will be instructed to avoid exercise at all costs. If you’re not watching TV begin by adding an hour a day starting on day one. Add an additional hour every day throughout the 21 day program. Be sure to pay special attention to the commercials. They contain important information about how to improve your lifestyle.
  • Do not ingest too many liquids. They make you pee at inconvenient times. If you choose to have coffee be sure to ingest it with your mouth.
  • In order to complete the Re-Tox program you will need to purchase a mini wood-chipper. While many De-Tox programs require you to ingest eucalyptus oil, the Re-Tox program will require that you eat the eucalyptus tree (note how healthy and cute koala bears and pandas are.)
  • Stay optimistic and remind yourself of all the benefits of “toxing up.” Remember that cramping, headaches, slurred and incoherent speech are a normal part of the Re-Tox program and show that you’re making progress. As your body Re-Toxes remind yourself of all the time you’re saving by not going to the bathroom. Please be sure to make other arrangements to keep up your reading.

For more information about how to sign-up for your individualized Re-Tox program you may contact me directly.

 

 

 

HELP YOURSELF TO SOME SELF-HELP

While I’m waiting for the backers to show up for my new yoga-guy chain (see previous post) I’ll have to find another way to support myself. Since being a screen-writer hasn’t worked quite as I hoped (see September 24 entry), and Casa de Savásana is currently a project that’s laying on the floor in a bit of a stupor (or “vision” as we yogis prefer to call it). On top of that I’ve hit a bad streak at the casino.

So I’ve talked to my publisher over at Really Random House and they’re almost committed to my new idea. I’m going to create a self-help book empire. This idea took hold when our friends over at Amazon sent the Fabulous Miss K a book titled Highly Sensitive People (HSPs to those who care).

Book cover

It turns out that in this age where we all need to belong to some group that isn’t getting its due, there is a group of people who are clinically more sensitive than me (I know what you’re thinking… “Stop the presses, I’ve got a story that will blow this town wide open”). If I’d been paying better attention I probably would have noticed these really sensitive folks already but I guess I was thinking about something else. It’s kind of a shame because I actually had been planning on writing a book about sensitivity so I guess I’ll need to modify my approach. Anyway, for the folks who needed a label about their special position in the world and couldn’t find one that fitted, they can now join the ranks of the HSPs.

So I’ve now done my research and pretended to read this The Highly Sensitive Person. It begins with quotes from people who only have initials, not full names, because they’re probably embarrassed. But over and over they testify (really) that this book:

“…has given me inner peace”

“…it really helped me understand myself a lot better”

“… It made me feel like a part of a larger group”

“…It’s the best book I’ve ever read.” (I think someone needs to be doing a lot more reading).

“…It’s the first book ever to speak to me!” (wait until she gets the Audible Books version where the book that speaks to her also speaks to her).

In the preface the author notes that she’s sold over 100,000 of these books! That’s an awful lot of sensitivity for any group of mortals. Then when I went on Amazon to learn more and I noticed that there’s a whole Highly Sensitive Person industry. In addition to the original flavor you can find these smash follow-up books:

  • The Highly Sensitive Person in Love
  • The Highly Sensitive Survival Guide”
  • The Highly Sensitive Person’s Workbook
  • The Highly Sensitive Child
  • How to Thrive as a Highly Sensitive Person

Actually there are dozens more books about these HSPs. When you read further you find out that based on the test the author created about 10-15% of the population is “Highly Sensitive.” Nice way to manufacture a market for your product I think… create a test and make sure enough people pass it to qualify for buying your book. On the book cover the author notes that you may be an sensitive person if you are “ ‘…too sensitive’ according to others.” Good point, who needs a test when other people already know who and what you are, although I’m not sure “too sensitive” is the term they actually use.

But here’s where the opportunity arises for me; because about 42% of the population isn’t very sensitive at all (clinically these are referred to as “men”). So if she could sell over 100,000 copies to just 15% of the population, then I can probably sell about a half a million to the folks who are totally insensitive. And that’s only for the original book I’ll write. The 43 follow-ups I’m also currently working on should raise the total to about a billion copies, not counting the workshops/retreats/seminars and the PBS special I have in the works.

The working title for my book is “How to be HIP: A Guide for Highly Insensitive People… Embracing your Inner Butthead.” This is actually a kind of a follow-up to my previous bestseller: The Seven Habits of Highly Offensive People.”

At this point I’m not willing to give the details of the book, but the outline I shared with the publisher does include the following chapters. Each of these chapters could easily be expanded into a book, a workshop or a seminar that doesn’t say anything more than the original chapter.

HIP Chapters

  • The Highly Insensitive Person: Why You Shouldn’t Care
  • Making Insensitivity Work in the Workplace: Why Promotions are So Over-rated
  • Using Insensitivity as a Bedrock for your Loving Relationships—When Yawning Means Caring
  • The Spiritual Persons Guide to Insensitivity (co-written with Pope Benedict)
  • Raising A Highly Insensitive Child: The Truth Behind “I Know You Are But What Am I”
  • Clues to Human Behavior: Why They’re Not Important and How to Ignore Them
  • What To Do When Sensitivity Creeps In (Take a Nap)
  • What to Do When Insensitivity May Be Inappropriate (Hint: Nothing because it probably doesn’t matter, at least to you).
  • Politics and Insensitivity (follow this link)

I think I’ll take this afternoon off and go get a facelift so I can take some photos for the book jacket.

PRESS RELEASE: ANNOUNCING THE OPENING OF NEW YOGA FRANCHISE

As you know I’ve been struggling, trying to find my way through this “retirement”… looking for purpose, meaning, some cash and an excellent skin toner. So after a night of soul-searching I’ve decided I’m not really cut out for retirement, with it’s freedom, lack of responsibility to anyone besides the Fabulous Miss K and my dog Hilde, sleeping late, and not worrying much about anything. No, that path is for retirement wusses.

Instead I’ve decided to open a business. In fact I think I’m going to open up a bunch of them. I’ll start a franchise.  And I’ve decided to go into the yoga biz. Believe me, right now this is very hot stuff. I could show you a bunch of research and throw some statistics and numbers out there to prove that this is the best way to go. Instead I will only cite a private letter written to me by Steve Jobs shortly before he died saying that he wished he’d never started Apple because he thinks the yoga business will be bigger than anything he could come up with. Few people know it but at the time of his death he had abandoned any plans for an iTV and was instead working on an iMat, an iStrap, and an iBlock. Right now I’ve misplaced that letter or I’d show it here, but really, he wrote me that.

So yesterday I went online and got certified as a yoga teacher. It was an online course I took and you learn a bunch of poses (or as they like to call them, “ásanas”), what to tell people, and how to operate the thermostat in your room so that you can call it “hot yoga.” In fact, in my private life (which actually is the only life I have) I have been going to hot yoga. I’m not sure why, although it does seem to mitigate my recent workouts with my previous personal trainer, Mr. Daniels. Hot yoga is just like regular yoga except it’s a lot messier. Normal mortals are reduced to piles of muscle, fascia, and bones, all resting (or gasping quietly) in a pool of sweat. Because everyone is sweating so much you can’t really tell if they’re crying, which is what I suspect.

How hot is it in that room? No one really knows because the thermostat only goes to 99 degrees and after that it’s anybody’s guess. My hunch is that it is actually somewhere between 400 degrees and 20,000 degrees. It seems to me that it would be appropriate if hot yoga studios bought those thermometers that the astronomers use to tell the temperature of places like Mercury and the Sun. I am hoping these are all oral cosmic thermometers. By the way, because I’m so good at hot yoga, the American Red Cross just certified me as a Sweat Donor. I am permanently on-call if they need me. After my last hot yoga session I felt like I was braised and ready to be put out on the buffet table.

sweat

Another Overly-Hydrated Happy Sweat Donor over at the Red Cross Office

Hot yoga, although beloved by many, is really just a weird invention. I cannot figure out why we do it. I have seen three reasons given for why hot yoga should be preferred. First they cite one study that shows that hot yoga makes you limberer than cold yoga… and the hotter the better. Unfortunately, this study was commissioned by Enron just before they got caught for every kind of energy fraud you can think of. Second, it is claimed that the sweat caused by hot yoga helps you detoxify your body. Let’s be clear about this. Yoga does help you get rid of the impurities in your body. It does this by helping your blood flow evenly, your organs get massaged through twists, and everything functions more smoothly. This allows your kidneys, digestive system, liver, lymph system, etc. to do their job eliminating and preventing toxic kaka from using your body as a free-range frolic zone. That said, your sweat glands really are there only to cool you off, which really wouldn’t be necessary if you just turned the heat down. Sweat glands have almost nothing to do with eliminating internal nastiness, except in trace amounts. There’s also a lot of legitimate research to prove this point but you can really come to this conclusion on your own by answering this question. If sweating really made your personal temple more pure wouldn’t it stand to reason that all the folks living near the equator or out in the Mojave would be really clean internally and all our Inuit friends and our amigos in Lapland would be full of physical (and possibly mental) impurities? But in the toxic impurity derby they are equal. Even accounting for all the differences caused by an all-blubber diet, heat doesn’t make you purer. So sweating has nothing to do with how pure you are. I strongly suspect that the whole hot yoga movement created by Mr. Bikram was in fact fronted by the yogis over at Proctor and Gamble who just wanted to get you to wash a lot more clothes.

As far as I’m concerned there’s only one thing you need to know about hot yoga: In India everybody who doesn’t already own one is just saving up to buy an air conditioner.

A NEW CONCEPT IN YOGA STUDIOS—READY TO LEAD THE WAY

As I mentioned, I’m now poised to jump into this business. But my researchers tell me I’ve learned I’ve got to find a niche that will differentiate my studios from all the others. Yoga is full of niches. As noted there’s Bikram yoga for those who like their yoga spicy hot. There’s Power Yoga for thirty and forty-year olds who want to pretend they’re sixteen. There’s Forrest Yoga, which I guess is for people who like to do the Tree Pose a lot.   And then there’s Iyengar yoga for people who have OCD and just want to do every pose perfectly.

So my plan is to target guys who want an entry way into yoga. It is ironic because until the late 40s yoga was almost solely the domain of guys. Until Indra Devi came along there were no women teaching. Now 82% of yoga practitioners are women. That’s a huge shift in just 50-75 years. It seems to me if my yoga chain is to be successful then I’d better focus on why guys stopped doing yoga. In order to come up with a sound business model I hired a team of researchers and they told me there are three specific reasons:

  1. Yoga is too hard for guys.
  2. Men look silly in yoga clothing.
  3. Watching car chases in movies is more fun and you can drink beer while you do it.

So here’s my plan:

I’m going to open a chain of yoga studios that guys can’t resist. It will be called Casa de Savásana. For those who don’t know yoga, savásana is usually the last pose you do and it ‘s alternate name is the ever-appealing “Corpse Pose.” In this pose you get on your back and lay there. That’s all you do.  The pose is demanding because you are also required to breathe while laying there.

Savásana, or Corpse Pose

Savásana, or Corpse Pose

Theoretically you’re integrating all the work you’ve done in your class into your essence or something like that. But basically you’re laying there being grateful that you’ve survived the tortured warrior and other poses. So savásana will essentially be the only pose we’ll do at my yoga studio chain. Because it is so demanding we will have facilities set up to prep the guys for this arduous pose. Every Casa de Savásana will have a small café where you can order a SavásanaBurrito (or SavásanaBurrito Grande which include guacamole and cheese) and a Negra Modelo. After eating the burrito and beer, its time for Savásana. Students will lie down for an hour unless they want another burrito or cerveza (we call these students “over-achievers”). It’s probably not necessary to say this, but during their savásana they’ll be meditating on their third chakra, which is in the same neighborhood as their stomach.

CASA DE SIVÁSANA’S YOGA MODEL

Our Business Model Revealed

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More adept students may be encouraged to learn one other pose. This would be what is known as “Happy Baby Pose.” Alternatively it’s known as “Dead Bug Pose (these are probably the two least appealing pose names for guys.) It will be crucial that all Casa de Savásana instructors be trained not to mix up, combine and confuse those two names.

In order to avoid this, we will encourage the instructors to use another alternate name for this pose—”WelcomeHomeHoney Pose.”

 

 

WelcomeHomeHoney Pose

Finally, if the people insist (because I am sensitive to what THEY want) I will consider expanding into asymmetrical hand balances such as Eka Pada Galavasana (Chingaderra Pose).

ekapadagalavansana

However at Casa de Savásana we will only do these poses on the right side. There are two reasons for this: 1) It is a scientific fact that the left side is over-rated and really doesn’t matter, and; 2) I can’t do any of these poses on the left side very well.

At this point I am setting up a franchise system but interested parties who want to jump on this hot opportunity and open their own Casa de Savásana may send me a big check now, or as we like to call it “Cashásana.”