Heading into the New Year

Along with the rest of the western world I closed out the year on December 31 and headed off bravely into 2014.  By now, I’m starting to get the hang of retirement and I can see it is pretty workable.  My waking hours start later and end later in the day.  My dreams are more vivid and are not, for the most part repeatable on this blog.  The recurring nightmares about the Fabulous Miss K’s coat are diminishing in frequency and intensity.  Like many I ended the year searching the stores for post-Christmas bargains.  There actually isn’t much I need in the way of clothes or other stuff, but I can’t resist a bargain whether or not I need anything.  My big wish this year was to get a picture of myself with Santa.  I figured I could get maybe 50% off on that if I went the day after Christmas.  Big disappointment since he didn’t even show up for work that day.  I did get a nice shot of myself sitting on the mall security guard’s lap though.  He only charged me $5 so it wasn’t a total loss.  I hardly wear my plaid suit anymore (see first blog entry) and only bring it out for religious holidays.  Fortunately I’m not too discerning about which religion or its holiday’s apply to me.  Last week I donned it for St. Swizzle’s Day and mixed up a “Mighty Manhattan” in honor of Barry Connell, a mentor and friend who passed away after living an ultra-full life.

Like many folks, I ended the year on a self-reflective note.  Usually I do this by attaching a few bicycle reflectors to my coat and calling it a day.  But 2013 was a little different so on the 31st I helped myself to some self-help and spent the day meditating on how others could make the world a better place.  I’ll be sending out notes soon to everyone letting them know what they should work on.

So, one may ask, what did I learn from 2013?  Here a few things:

1.  We may have the best pope ever (thanks to the Fabulous Miss K for reminding me daily).  Yes he is moving the church in a more open, inclusive and compassionate direction.  I wish him luck but let’s look at the important stuff.  First off, he is only the second pope ever to work as a bouncer and the first one to do it at a nightclub.  As has been pointed out the ultimate pope/bouncer connection belongs to St. Peter.  Second, he used to own a Harley-Davidson.  This may be why a lot of people are confusing him with Jack Nicholson, since they both owned their hogs for a very brief period.  Third, he wrote a sermon based on the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit.  I guess he’ll go for anything with “Lord” in the title. Fourth, in his pre-Pope days he used to go tangoing with his girlfriend.  I’ve been to Argentina and trust me on this, there haven’t been any other tangoing Popes.

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2.  Once again I was passed over for the big awards:

For the 63rd consecutive year People magazine did not name me the Sexiest Man Alive.  I need to let them know that their time is running out.

3.  Also, Time magazine did not name me Person of the Year.  I am heartened that I was ranked in the top 2.5 billion however.  I think there were several things that jumped me up to the top tiers.  First, I was awarded a patent for developing a vaccine to prevent left-handedness (working under a grant from Major League Baseball).  An added plus is that the vaccine also seems to prevent women from developing unsightly hair on their upper lip (Kahlo’s Syndrome).  Nice.  I plan on offering the vaccine for a modest price at the local farmer’s markets.  Good news too because it is mercury free.  Secondly, I was able to patent a new drink that I developed at the Wagon Wheel during my lunch breaks back when I had a job.  I call it the Very Very Dirty Martini.  One part gin, a drop or two of vermouth, a teaspoon of olive juice from the jar, and a teaspoon of metamucil.  You can stir it or shake it.  I’m currently working on a deal to have it featured in the next James Bond movie.

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4.  My efforts to get myself placed as the face on the new debt-avoiding billion dollar coin failed.  I did manage to get over 12 people to sign my petition, but fell just short of the 25,000 minimum needed on the White House Petition pages to get a response.  At least I can take heart in having had a better year than many in the White House.

5. Sarah Palin remains the stupidest women around.  After defending the racist, homophobic remarks of another stupid TV star, she apologized and said she hadn’t actually read or heard what had been said originally.  Some day they’ll build a special library just to hold her ignorance.

I’ll be trying to spend the next few weeks discerning what all of this means in terms of my MO for the coming year.  As the year starts I do urge anyone with good stock tips to send them to me.