As you know I’ve been struggling, trying to find my way through this “retirement”… looking for purpose, meaning, some cash and an excellent skin toner. So after a night of soul-searching I’ve decided I’m not really cut out for retirement, with it’s freedom, lack of responsibility to anyone besides the Fabulous Miss K and my dog Hilde, sleeping late, and not worrying much about anything. No, that path is for retirement wusses.
Instead I’ve decided to open a business. In fact I think I’m going to open up a bunch of them. I’ll start a franchise. And I’ve decided to go into the yoga biz. Believe me, right now this is very hot stuff. I could show you a bunch of research and throw some statistics and numbers out there to prove that this is the best way to go. Instead I will only cite a private letter written to me by Steve Jobs shortly before he died saying that he wished he’d never started Apple because he thinks the yoga business will be bigger than anything he could come up with. Few people know it but at the time of his death he had abandoned any plans for an iTV and was instead working on an iMat, an iStrap, and an iBlock. Right now I’ve misplaced that letter or I’d show it here, but really, he wrote me that.
So yesterday I went online and got certified as a yoga teacher. It was an online course I took and you learn a bunch of poses (or as they like to call them, “ásanas”), what to tell people, and how to operate the thermostat in your room so that you can call it “hot yoga.” In fact, in my private life (which actually is the only life I have) I have been going to hot yoga. I’m not sure why, although it does seem to mitigate my recent workouts with my previous personal trainer, Mr. Daniels. Hot yoga is just like regular yoga except it’s a lot messier. Normal mortals are reduced to piles of muscle, fascia, and bones, all resting (or gasping quietly) in a pool of sweat. Because everyone is sweating so much you can’t really tell if they’re crying, which is what I suspect.
How hot is it in that room? No one really knows because the thermostat only goes to 99 degrees and after that it’s anybody’s guess. My hunch is that it is actually somewhere between 400 degrees and 20,000 degrees. It seems to me that it would be appropriate if hot yoga studios bought those thermometers that the astronomers use to tell the temperature of places like Mercury and the Sun. I am hoping these are all oral cosmic thermometers. By the way, because I’m so good at hot yoga, the American Red Cross just certified me as a Sweat Donor. I am permanently on-call if they need me. After my last hot yoga session I felt like I was braised and ready to be put out on the buffet table.
Hot yoga, although beloved by many, is really just a weird invention. I cannot figure out why we do it. I have seen three reasons given for why hot yoga should be preferred. First they cite one study that shows that hot yoga makes you limberer than cold yoga… and the hotter the better. Unfortunately, this study was commissioned by Enron just before they got caught for every kind of energy fraud you can think of. Second, it is claimed that the sweat caused by hot yoga helps you detoxify your body. Let’s be clear about this. Yoga does help you get rid of the impurities in your body. It does this by helping your blood flow evenly, your organs get massaged through twists, and everything functions more smoothly. This allows your kidneys, digestive system, liver, lymph system, etc. to do their job eliminating and preventing toxic kaka from using your body as a free-range frolic zone. That said, your sweat glands really are there only to cool you off, which really wouldn’t be necessary if you just turned the heat down. Sweat glands have almost nothing to do with eliminating internal nastiness, except in trace amounts. There’s also a lot of legitimate research to prove this point but you can really come to this conclusion on your own by answering this question. If sweating really made your personal temple more pure wouldn’t it stand to reason that all the folks living near the equator or out in the Mojave would be really clean internally and all our Inuit friends and our amigos in Lapland would be full of physical (and possibly mental) impurities? But in the toxic impurity derby they are equal. Even accounting for all the differences caused by an all-blubber diet, heat doesn’t make you purer. So sweating has nothing to do with how pure you are. I strongly suspect that the whole hot yoga movement created by Mr. Bikram was in fact fronted by the yogis over at Proctor and Gamble who just wanted to get you to wash a lot more clothes.
As far as I’m concerned there’s only one thing you need to know about hot yoga: In India everybody who doesn’t already own one is just saving up to buy an air conditioner.
A NEW CONCEPT IN YOGA STUDIOS—READY TO LEAD THE WAY
As I mentioned, I’m now poised to jump into this business. But my researchers tell me I’ve learned I’ve got to find a niche that will differentiate my studios from all the others. Yoga is full of niches. As noted there’s Bikram yoga for those who like their yoga spicy hot. There’s Power Yoga for thirty and forty-year olds who want to pretend they’re sixteen. There’s Forrest Yoga, which I guess is for people who like to do the Tree Pose a lot. And then there’s Iyengar yoga for people who have OCD and just want to do every pose perfectly.
So my plan is to target guys who want an entry way into yoga. It is ironic because until the late 40s yoga was almost solely the domain of guys. Until Indra Devi came along there were no women teaching. Now 82% of yoga practitioners are women. That’s a huge shift in just 50-75 years. It seems to me if my yoga chain is to be successful then I’d better focus on why guys stopped doing yoga. In order to come up with a sound business model I hired a team of researchers and they told me there are three specific reasons:
- Yoga is too hard for guys.
- Men look silly in yoga clothing.
- Watching car chases in movies is more fun and you can drink beer while you do it.
So here’s my plan:
I’m going to open a chain of yoga studios that guys can’t resist. It will be called Casa de Savásana. For those who don’t know yoga, savásana is usually the last pose you do and it ‘s alternate name is the ever-appealing “Corpse Pose.” In this pose you get on your back and lay there. That’s all you do. The pose is demanding because you are also required to breathe while laying there.
Theoretically you’re integrating all the work you’ve done in your class into your essence or something like that. But basically you’re laying there being grateful that you’ve survived the tortured warrior and other poses. So savásana will essentially be the only pose we’ll do at my yoga studio chain. Because it is so demanding we will have facilities set up to prep the guys for this arduous pose. Every Casa de Savásana will have a small café where you can order a SavásanaBurrito (or SavásanaBurrito Grande which include guacamole and cheese) and a Negra Modelo. After eating the burrito and beer, its time for Savásana. Students will lie down for an hour unless they want another burrito or cerveza (we call these students “over-achievers”). It’s probably not necessary to say this, but during their savásana they’ll be meditating on their third chakra, which is in the same neighborhood as their stomach.
CASA DE SIVÁSANA’S YOGA MODEL
More adept students may be encouraged to learn one other pose. This would be what is known as “Happy Baby Pose.” Alternatively it’s known as “Dead Bug Pose (these are probably the two least appealing pose names for guys.) It will be crucial that all Casa de Savásana instructors be trained not to mix up, combine and confuse those two names.
In order to avoid this, we will encourage the instructors to use another alternate name for this pose—”WelcomeHomeHoney Pose.”
Finally, if the people insist (because I am sensitive to what THEY want) I will consider expanding into asymmetrical hand balances such as Eka Pada Galavasana (Chingaderra Pose).
However at Casa de Savásana we will only do these poses on the right side. There are two reasons for this: 1) It is a scientific fact that the left side is over-rated and really doesn’t matter, and; 2) I can’t do any of these poses on the left side very well.
At this point I am setting up a franchise system but interested parties who want to jump on this hot opportunity and open their own Casa de Savásana may send me a big check now, or as we like to call it “Cashásana.”